Coalition for Women's Identities
Thursday, 4 June 2015 - 10:57am
“Superwoman is the Adversary”: A Working Mom’s Campaign for Big Changes
One day, not too long ago, I arrived home from work in the early evening and found my husband and son playing in our backyard. Adam greeted me and handed me his IPhone with a small smile. I pressed play and watched the most unbelievable video I had ever seen. Our baby took his first steps.
Amazingly, he took somewhere around 12 steps, smiling the whole way, encouraged by the adoring cheers of his daycare teachers. I sat down on the grass, completely overwhelmed with pride, joy, and wonder. My tiny son had walked!
And then quickly came the guilt, the disappointment, the jealousy. I missed it. I was at work and I missed my baby’s first steps.
But here is the really cruel part: not five minutes earlier, on my drive home, I had been reflecting on how rewarding and professionally fulfilling that particular day had been. I took five bright and talented student leaders on an off-site retreat where we shared several hours of professional development, team-building, fellowship, and even great food. Our conversation was rich, the students stretched and challenged themselves, the weather was perfect, and at the end of the day as we debriefed over burgers and milkshakes, my heart was full. It was a day that reminded me why I so highly value my career and how thankful I felt to have not given it up when I became a mother.
Today’s prominent women leaders, from Sheryl Sandberg to Anne-Marie Slaughter to some of my own ACPA sheroes, agree that women, and men for that matter, really can’t “have it all.” Growing up in Student Affairs, I often struggled with what it meant to be a feminist while placing the highest value on the roles of wife and mother in my own life. It is empowering that in the last couple of years, women like Fortune 500 COOs and Ivy League deans are making the bold statement that it is fair and reasonable for women to aspire to be great in their careers and at home, and that as a country we absolutely need to do better for them. They and others have noted that the potential micro and macro impacts of systematically valuing family, balance, and flexibility for men and women are enormous.
As I handed the phone back to my husband, I understood his expression, holding such happiness and such regret. But our son was almost a year old--how many times and in how many iterations, I asked myself, can I lament the fact that I can’t have it all? Is it enough to have childcare providers who so clearly love our son, and who captured that precious moment for us? Is it enough, paired with a job I love the vast majority of the time, or with an awesome partner who totally gets why I will never be at true peace with either working outside of the home or being a stay at home mom? I am thankful for all of these things—I know they are gifts. But no, they are not enough. On that day and on many others, I really wanted to have it all.
As Gloria Steinem has said more than once: “Superwoman is the adversary of the women’s movement.” Let’s let go of the idea that right now we can have it all, do it all, be it all, in today’s American context. Let’s be vulnerable and frank about our struggles, our shortcomings. Let’s acknowledge that we exist within a system that is poorly aligned with our values and mostly importantly, let’s be and support the women and allies in positions of leadership who can change this. Let’s work together to impact structural changes, from flexible work policies in our own departments to putting a woman in the White House, so that all of us can move toward more happy, healthy, and productive lives.
Mary C. Jordan
University of Florida
Academic Initiatives Specialist, Department of Housing and Residence Education
@maryCSjordan