Coalition for Women's Identities
Wednesday, 29 July 2015 - 10:53am
Community of the ONLY: Thoughts of the only Black woman in the office
It’s Friday; a beautiful sunny day and not a cloud in the sky. People in my office are happy, smiling, gearing up for the weekend and the rest that comes after a hard week of work. I’m happy for the weekend as well. I’m ready to rest my body and mind for some serious self-care. I need to rejuvenate for Monday; to prepare myself to once again be the only Black woman in my office. It takes a lot of mental preparation to be the only Black woman in an entire space. For me, it’s my office. For others, it could be their unit, department or campus. It takes skill to be professional and social while in a constant space of isolation. It’s not a subject I speak about very often because I have found it hard to connect with other women of color, Black men, and men of color about my experience that has both similarities and strong differences. Connecting with the majority white-identified professionals has moments of support as well as hurt. Being the only Black woman in the office has a major impact on my personal and professional life. Connecting horror stories or trying to glean ways to be a better ally just makes the pain deeper. It’s hard to keep the focus on myself when talking to colleagues. Yet, when no one says anything, especially when there are Black women in this country who are losing their lives, it’s as if I don’t exist.
Being non-existent in the wake of the tragic death of Sandra Bland is troubling. I watched the video of Sandra Bland being confronted by the officer in my office. Glued to my computer, I could hear the frustration of not being seen as a citizen; a citizen well aware of her rights but diluted to an angry Black woman. And yet, she had the right to be angry for such disrespectful treatment; for wondering how a minor traffic stop turned into being slammed to the ground with a knee in her back. Sitting in my office, watching the video, I cried. All I could think was that could be me in that car on my way to a new job. It could be my black body slammed to the ground with a knee pushed down hard in my back. It could be me who died mysteriously (by completed suicide or state sanctioned murder) in a jail cell. In fact, it still could be me...it just hasn’t happened yet.
And that right there is the rub...it still could be me. I can’t count how many ways I’ve thought of how I could possibly lose my life at the hands of the police before and after Sandra Bland. It doesn’t have to be a traffic stop. It could be a U-turn, a wrong turn, sleeping on my couch, being out with friends or just living my life. Too many Black women and girls have lost their lives for simply living. What exactly is keeping me from being another Black woman to remember? There aren’t too many days that go by where I don’t ask myself this question. There isn’t an answer and the thought frightens me. At times to the point where I am unable to work productively.
There are times when I am getting ready in the morning and I burst into tears while taking a shower thinking about Sandra Bland on top of the stress that comes with being a Student Affairs professional of color. Other times, I just dread the inevitable conversation that may take place being the only Black woman and the pressure I feel to speak in defense of Black women. I get fatigued from the number of blatant acts of racism in this country. Ultimately, it has added weight to the racism I already tackle as a woman of color working at a predominately white institution. It’s suffocating, damaging and awful to continuously think about it; though you would never see any of these feelings when looking at my face. After 10 years of putting on my #SAmask and confining myself to my feelings, it’s time to break free. My mask has allowed some professionals around me to be complacent and not attempt to check in with me or build community with me after another Black woman has died in the way Sandra Bland died. Or Rekia Boyd or Miriam Carey or Tanisha Anderson or Mya Hall or Aiyana Stanley-Jones...the list unfortunately goes on.
So, I will make that first step and take off my mask. I will become an unapologetic Black woman at my job. I will do what I can to build the community I need to sustain myself no matter where I am...even when I am the ONLY. Whether it’s through social media outlets such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram or through coalition and commissions within ACPA such as the Commission for Social Justice Educator, the Coalition of Multicultural Affairs or in my current home with the Coalition on Women’s Identities. My Black sisterhood is imprinted in me from birth. I will be a community of the ONLY because I am living in a time when I must speak up; I must #sayhername; I must remind my colleagues, students and friends that #BlackWomenMatter; I must find community to voice my thoughts, fears, and hopes even if that means I am speaking only to myself. My voice can no longer be silent while another Black girl or woman dies. I’m tired of waiting for the world to care about me and my will to live the life I want and deserve. As actress Lena Horne once said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” I’m going to carry my load differently from now on.
For those of you who are searching for community within Student Affairs I’ve placed links below:
Black Student Affairs Professionals Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/381986111881743/
ACPA Coalition on Women’s Identities:
ACPA Coalition on Multicultural Affairs:
ACPA Commission for Social Justice Educators:
For those looking for self-care advice please check out the following articles and blog posts:
“How black people can emotionally protect themselves in the age of #BlackLivesMatter”. - Karen Attiah
“Black bodies need love too: 7 resources for self-care”. - Amani Ariel
For those who do not know any of the women mentioned in this post watch the video below and then Google to find out more about their stories.
For Harriet Video: Black Women Matter
https://www.facebook.com/forharriet/videos/910802722299848/?pnref=story
Brandi Douglas,
Directorate Member
ACPA Coalition on Women’s Identities