Accepting We Are Not Perfect

Accepting we are not perfect…

If you take a few minutes to stop and think about your week…make that your day.  How many times did you say something along the lines of “why did I do that” or “I’m going crazy?”  Too many times if you are like me.  There is some false belief that we, as women, seem to have stuck in our heads; we have to be good at all things at all times.  This false notion does nothing but set up to make mistakes.  Once I started my newest position, I had to make the out-loud statement to myself that I am not perfect, I don’t have to be able to balance it all, and it is ok to ask for help.  It is more important to me that I learn from experiences and, yes, mistakes, than to try to never make them.

A group of women that I have the great pleasure of working with, decided to get together and have some great discussions around this topic.  As Sheryl Sandberg so adequately described in her book, we tend to live under this myth that we can do it all.  What happens with that mindset is that we feel we are accomplishing nothing.  In her book Lean In, she discusses why this concept is a myth but something women face on a regular basis.  Have you ever asked (or heard it asked to) a man in your office how he manages the kids, the laundry, the house and his job? Most likely, the answer to that is ‘no’ and the reason is simple.  We grow up with this notion instilled in us that to be successful, you have to be able to balance everything.  We are given dolls as little girls, but told take science and math so you can get into a good college. When we get married, we are instantly asked when we plan to start a family. Growing up there was a commercial on television in which a woman with a brief case singes the song “I can bring home the bacon…..fry it up in a pan….and never, ever let you forget you’re a man.” I laugh out loud as I type those words. We constantly deal with these mixed messages that lead to the notion that if we can’t balance it, we are failures. We have to learn to let go of the ideals that as a society we have placed on women and learn that life doesn’t have to be in complete balance to be good.

This takes a lot of practice!  When I first read Sandberg’s book, I highlighted and underlined the quote “done is better than perfect.”  For me it was personal more than professional.  Laundry is clean and hanging on hangers.  My mother would have ironed them (and the bed sheets) before they ever were allowed in the closet.  I am lucky if I know where my iron is these days.  The laundry is done…it isn’t perfect.  By admitting that we aren’t perfect, we give ourselves permission to not put the laundry away the second it is folded so that we can get ten more minutes to snuggle.  If I ask for an extension on a deadline, I am not going to lose my job. 

By admitting that we aren’t perfect, we embrace our mistakes, learn from them and move forward. Another great book that helped put this in perspective for me is entitled Mistakes I Made at Work. The book is a series of essays and interviews edited by Jessica Bacal. The essays are written by 25 influential women who admit to mistakes they made and go on to describe how they learned from those mistakes to become better leaders, better mothers, better partners and to learn to live with the fact they don’t have to be perfect.

A couple of weeks ago, I forgot (even though it was written on THREE calendars) that it was pajama day at my daughter’s school.  We got to school and she was “the only one” without her pjs on.  I had a meeting on my calendar and knew if we went home to change her clothes, I would be pushing it to get to work in time to have any preparation before the meeting.  We went home.  She changed her clothes, and I took her back to school.  When I got to the meeting, I embraced it and told my story to start the meeting.  The response was not one of judgment for (1) forgetting it was pajama day or (2) going home to let her change instead of preparing for my meeting.  The response was one of sharing among the women present to the number of times we have all done something similar, and the decisions we make in those moments and why we feel the need do it all without a margin for error.

Mistakes I Made at Work discusses how the data indicates that women not only feel pressure to be ‘perfect’ at work but to be perfect in social settings to gain acceptance by our peers.  This notion is ridiculous at best.  Bacal discusses a piece written for Forbes.com entitled “Why Millennial Women Do Not Want to Lead.” The piece, written by Julie Zeilinger (who happens to be a college student at Barnard College) reminds us of just how young women are “bred to doubt ourselves, question our worth and view ourselves as improvable projects rather than embrace the imperfections of our humanity.”

We need to learn to lift each other up as women, friends and colleagues with an understanding that we are all faced with challenges or decisions daily and should judge less.  I believe the result would be a community in which we all learning from the mistakes made collectively as we would be more willing to share our experiences.

I will leave you with one challenge:  I challenge all of us to celebrate our imperfections and the imperfections of our friends and colleagues as that these are the unique qualities that make us who we are.  Celebrate our imperfections, share our mistakes and hold each other up instead of striving for perfection in an imperfect world.

Kim Turner

Assistant Vice President for Student Support and Business Operations

Northern Kentucky University

@Kturner45255