Reflections on Conformity and ACPA: Moving Beyond a Gender Binary

Reflections on Conformity and ACPA: Moving Beyond a Gender Binary

Conformity.  I have been reflecting quite a bit lately on this word.   What it means to me and it’s implications for how I move through the world. 

Conformity exists within so many aspects of daily living.  We all conform to certain aspects of life.  The way students file into classrooms and sit in desks awaiting the instructor.  The way folks walk into grocery stores, put items into shopping carts, then file into checkout lines to pay for items.  These tasks are all components of automatic functioning.  Most times, we don't think twice.  We conform.  We do as we were taught via social cues, community expectations, and formalized experiences.  But what happens when conformity complicates the expression of one's personal identity?

Based on my personal and lived experiences, automatic functioning becomes a difficult task as you face and embrace elements of your identity.  I identify as genderqueer, as a genderqueer woman, and as a lesbian.   All of those identities are non-conforming.  The intersectionality of those identities are non-conforming.  But, society wants us to conform.  Society wants me to conform.  Society wants me to conform in my gender identity and expression.  Society wants me to conform in the intersectionality between my gender identity and expression and my sexuality.  But, in order to be true to the parts of my psyche, I resist.

Rita Mae Brown (1973) stated in Rubyfruit Jungle, "the reward for conformity was that everyone likes you except yourself."  I find this so very true as I reflect on conformity and my identities.  For a long time, I attempted to conform to a heteronormative society.  Many years of being told to conform.  Many years of wanting to conform.  Sadly, many years of trying and attempting to conform.  Lots of people were content and happy with my attempts at conforming.  I, not so much.  I was, as Rita Mae Brown described, the one person who was unhappy in my situation.  I've since become comfortable with myself as a lesbian.  This does not change the fact that I still exist within a society that wants and expects me to conform to heteronormative roles.  I see now how the salience of my identity, the strength of my affirmation of my identity, and the audibility of my once inaudible voice allows me to resist.

The salience of my sexuality and the salience of my gender identity and expression are different.  I never necessarily expected them to be the same, but in some ways the difference I've experienced has been the most revealing to me.  It has made me reflect on how these two identities are not mutually exclusive, but involve different lived experiences and feelings.  At the same time, the intersectionality of these two identities does not allow me to function with one identity without presence and consideration of the other.  I came out as gay over a decade ago.  I came out as genderqueer within this year.  A lot of the personal work I’ve engaged in lately has surrounded my intersecting identities as a genderqueer lesbian woman.  What does this mean exactly?  How are my intersecting identities perceived and received by others?  How do I receive these intersecting identities?  I am still working on the answers to these questions.

I feel as though I constantly face societal pressures to conform.  Yet, I live in the liminal space between unintentionally conforming and resisting the pressure to conform.  My gender identity and expression is fluid.  I feel that gender transcends a binary, yet society places such emphasis on the binary that it is inescapable.  Restrooms are typically gendered on a binary.  Toy and clothing sections inside shopping stores are gendered on a binary.  Writing utensils are marketed on a gender binary.  I was practically raised on referring to adults with prefixes gendered on a binary - "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir".  Recently, as I wrote to Delta Airlines to complain for being mis-gendered twice on flights returning from the ACPA Convention in Tampa, the feedback form required that I choose a prefix that was (yep, you guessed it) gendered on a binary.  How ironic.  But, not really.  Everything is gendered on a binary.  Society wants me (us) to conform to a binary of gender.  Yet, such a binary does not exist.

The intersectionality of my gender identity and expression and my sexuality is also complicated by society's desire for me to conform.  Society portrays my gender expression and my sexuality as something that can co-exist, but not my gender identity.  In other words, I can be a lesbian who expresses gender masculinely, but as a person who identifies as a "lesbian" I must be a woman.  Well-intentioned folks have asked me, "Why can't –you just be the 'man' in the lesbian relationship?"  Well, because identity doesn't "work" like that, and quit trying to make me conform to your heteronormative gender dichotomy!  Obviously, identity doesn't "work" like that.  It's complicated.  It's complex.  And, it's not always conforming.  It is a label we place on ourselves in an attempt to understand and accept and/or affirm who we are.  So, being a non-binary woman (in my case, a genderqueer-identified woman) and a lesbian - I do not conform to the societally accepted ways of being.  I do not conform to the idea that I have to choose between a dichotomy of gender identity and expression.

Upon return home from the ACPA Convention in Tampa, I have had many thoughts and questions brewing inside my head.   Above all, I left the convention wondering where or if I can exist within certain entities of ACPA.  I was very honored to have had the opportunity to participate in the SCW Writing Workshop.  The experience itself was transformational for me.  I immediately began to become interested in getting more involved within SCW.  At the same time, I began to question if I, as a genderqueer-identified woman, would be included in such a space.  I want to hope that I can be.  One question that many have asked, following this year's ACPA Convention, "Who are we willing to exclude?" continues to resonate with me.  In this particular instance, will I excluded from an entity in which I personally feel that I belong, but in some ways do not conform to?

I am still navigating my identity as genderqueer.  I am at the start of a journey that I don't anticipate ending anytime soon.  Although, I don't believe any of our journeys toward understanding and knowing who we are ever really end.  I do know, however, that I want to become more involved in SCW.  Which brings me to the second question resonating post-ACPA Convention, "What can we do?"  For me, I will first be refusing to conform.   I'm choosing the comfort of myself over the potential comfort of others, and for that, I am choosing to be completely unapologetic.  My presence may make others uncomfortable.  But, discomfort does not equate to negativity.  It means there is more work to be done.  The response of discomfort means we (collectively) have to do more, to do better.  I have hope that we can get there.  After my experiences with SCW at the ACPA Convention in Tampa, I have hope that we can get there.  

Following social media conversations recently led me to the following tweet:

"@DrD-LStewart: If evryday activism is not part of our concept of education, then we cannot possibly fulfill our espoused social justice values" (Stewart, 2015).

"What can we do?"  Everyday activism.  Not just a one-time conversation.  Not tokenizing gender non-conforming folks to answer all the questions and provide all the education.  Not letting the "comfort" of distance between you and dissonance provoking conversation lead to inaction.  Folks, we've got a long way to go.  We have to ask ourselves what we are doing on a daily basis to counter oppression, what are we doing on a daily basis to address the system of privilege that continues to perpetuate conformity within society and within ACPA.  I'm hoping that conversation doesn't end anytime soon.

References

Brown, R. M. (1973). Rubyfruit jungle. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Stewart, D-L. [DrD-LStewart]. (2015, March 25). @RachelHLuna If evrydy activism is not part of our concept of education, then we cannot possibly fulfill our espoused social justice values. Retrieved from: https://twitter.com/DrDLStewart/status/580936209016340480

About the author: Cindy Ann Kilgo is a doctoral candidate in the Higher Education and Student Affairs program and a research assistant for the Center for Research on Undergraduate Education at The University of Iowa.  Cindy Ann uses they, them, their/s pronouns.  You can contact the author at: cindy-kilgo@uiowa.edu or follow them on Twitter at @CindyAnnKilgo.